The Way Forward: Compassion
The Way Forward: Compassion
Matthew 9:36
This morning, I want to start by trying to define three words: sympathy; empathy; and compassion. I know that definitions aren’t necessarily the most exciting thing to think about but in order to talk about what I’d like to talk about this morning, we need to be precise.
Let’s start with “sympathy.” “Sympathy” involves a common bond or emotional connection. I discover a bond between myself and someone else. In other words, somehow, in some way, an “us” is born. “Sympathy” can be a trivial or deeply moving connection and all points in between. Let me give a couple of examples…
I once went to a Bears/Packers game…in Green Bay. (Great experience!) I was meeting my friend and my Godson there, both of whom were giant Packers fans. So, of course, I wore as much “Bears” paraphernalia as I could get my hands on. To no one’s surprise, this made me really stand out at Lambeau Field in a sea of green and gold. However, the connection between myself and the rare other Bears fan as we passed one another was palpable. “Go Bears” we would whisper to one another.
Sympathetic bonds always involve a “we” or an “us.” We discover a connection and we feel less alone. A good politician cultivates that connection with every person they meet and then leads a whole room to feel that bond. A rock star has the charisma to make a stadium full of people feel like they are looking straight at each one of them and that the whole stadium of people are “kin.” If you think about it, the profound connection between our first “best friends forever” or the overwhelming power of a first crush really rest in the very beginning of discovering sympathetic bonds. It changes the world to discover that you and I can become an “us.”
In a time of transition for our church, cultivating the sympathetic bonds between us is terribly important. We do the things that remind us that there is an “us” that is bigger than any one of us—including Tracy and me. We gather to eat and enjoy one another’s company. We listen to one another and rediscover our common ground. We tell the stories of our shared history. We intentionally strengthen these bonds in every way that we can.
My friend whom I canoe with, in rough water or bad weather, is famous for doing this. You’re paddling as hard as you can. You’re wondering if you’re making any progress against the headwind. In a canoe, there is no eye contact, no non-verbal connection. What does he do? He starts to tell the story of other moments in bad storms. He recalls other moments when we felt stuck but got through whatever it was—together. Or, he picks the perfect song—the one that carries us back to a different era—and the clear invitation is—let’s sing this together. One way or another, there will be a bond in that boat.
If you really think about it, the ultimate vision of the death of sympathy is the night of Jesus’ arrest. The disciples had shared so many experiences. Their connection had grown so deep. Yet, on that terrible night, their bond came completely unglued. What they thought would be unbreakable was shattered. They scattered into the night.
Groups with tight bonds can shatter. Generally, what keeps that from happening is that there are enough leaders—both informal and formal leaders—who see what’s happening and act to stop it. They each in their own way say, “Not on my watch!” They each, in their own way, do things and say things which remind people of their bond to one another and which repair and strengthen those bonds. Cultivating sympathy is incredibly powerful and incredibly important.
“Empathy” is different from sympathy. If sympathy has to do with the bonds between us, then “empathy” has to do with the thoughts and feelings inside of us. To be an empathic person is to have the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings. In the presence of a sympathetic person we feel connected. In the presence of an empathic person, we feel understood. We feel heard. We feel seen.
Early on in our lives and sometimes for far too long into adulthood, we settle for a cheap, knock-off version of empathy. This “pseudo” empathy is the notion that if I know what I am thinking and feeling then I know what this other person is thinking and feeling—because, really, aren’t we all just the same? So, we assume that what it means “to put myself in your shoes,” is just to assume that you are me. Then, we unilaterally do all sorts of things based on this assumption until eventually we can’t understand why you’re so mad at me when all I’m doing is what I would want you to do for me if I was feeling and thinking what I’m convinced that you are thinking and feeling. “What do you mean this isn’t what you want? This is exactly what you want. I know this because I put myself in your shoes.”
Here’s the key to empathy. Empathy begins with a question or two: “How are you? Can you tell me what’s going on inside of you right now?” Whatever the question is, the gist of the question is, “I’m here and ready to listen if you’re willing to talk.” I assume that I don’t know what’s going on inside of you. I recognize that the only way that I’m going to know is if you tell me. I also recognize that sharing that kind of stuff is an act of pure trust. “I don’t want to guess what’s happening in there. I want to hear it from you.”
Here’s the hard part: when you tell someone that you really want to hear what’s going on inside of them, you actually have to listen. It’s going to take time. It may be a multipart conversation. You may have to hear things that you really don’t want to hear. You may have to resist the temptation to fix things. You definitely will discover that setting judgment aside and truly listening to another person’s feelings and thoughts and experiences is one of the harder things that you’ll ever do. It requires discipline. And, like most things, you’re not going to be great at it on the first try. If you work at it, though, you will become a better listener.
Two things will prove true when you’re really listening well. First, there will be constant surprises about what’s really going on inside of that other person: “I thought I knew what their struggles were, what their history was, what motivated them in a day. I had no idea.” When we really learn to listen, part of what we learn is that we’re here not so much to walk in someone else’s shoes but to invite them to sit down, take off their shoes, relax, and just talk to us. In the course of doing this, the people around us become much more interesting. We realize that everyone has their own stuff. When we realize that, we become a lot more forgiving and a lot less judgmental. It turns out most of us are doing the best we can.
The second thing that I think we discover is that being an empathic person in someone else’s life may be a big part of what it means to be a loving person. I’ve had people whom I didn’t like that much when I started listening to them. Sooner or later, though, as they reveal what’s inside of them, empathy leads to a loving connection.
This is both the good news and the bad news. The bad news of this insight is that you end up “carrying” that person with you in life: the pain they feel is now is now pain that you feel. (I remember asking my clinical supervisor who helped me to turn on “empathy” in my life where the “off” switch was. She just smiled and said that there was no “off” switch.) So, you end up not being able to just dismiss whole swaths of people as not worth caring about just because they’re doing something you wouldn’t do. Deep down, you know that if you sat down with them, you’d come to understand their pain and see that they weren’t crazy, they’re just broken like all the rest of us.
The good news is that if you learn how to be an empathic person, you will never be truly alone. There will be deep connections between you and others. And, by learning to listen and offering listening as a gift, you might change the world more—one person at a time—than those who set out to change the world all at once.
Our last word for today is “compassion.” In our text for this morning, we are in the ninth chapter of Matthew. Throughout this chapter Jesus is moving from town to town, meeting person after person, establishing real bonds with people along the way, listening to the needs of those he meets and doing what he can to help. There’s some serious preaching and teaching and healing going on. Ultimately, we land on the single verse of our text: “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
I remember talking once with someone who became a professional athlete. I was interested in what that person’s transitions were like. “So, you had to have been by far the best athlete in your high school, right? You must have dominated then. But then you went to college. What did it feel like to all of a sudden be with the guys who had all been the best athletes in their high schools? That must have been kind of overwhelming.” “Sure,” he said, “but when you play with great talent you are pushed to work harder and become even better.” Then, he paused for a moment and said, “The moment I was unprepared for was the transition to being a pro. Everything was so fast. Everyone was so strong.” He had seen something like this before when only a handful of the very best from their high schools played in college and only a handful of the very best of in college were fortunate enough to become pros. “The real revelation,” he said, “was in practice where this one player—a veteran—did something that he literally never imagined that a human being could do. That was the day my mind was blown.”
Not everyone will lead a life of sympathy and empathy. It takes work and discipline and you have to transcend a self-centered way of being in the world. Of all the people who do that work, most will live with sympathy and empathy in an individual relationship or in the context of life in a small group. The more people you are genuinely and deeply connected to, the more brokenness and pain you will be exposed to and carry. You will learn what it is like to carry the weight of the world, even though, in fact, you are just caring a tiny portion of that weight.
In our text, Jesus does something that is that defining “pro” move, something that should amaze us and challenge us to do the same. In this sea of broken people, in the midst of trying to offer both healing actions and healing words, Jesus looks at the big picture and feels compassion for the crowd. These people’s needs are so vast. They are so lost. They are, “like sheep without a shepherd.” This is the moment when Jesus transcends thoughts like, “this person is in and this person is out” and moves, instead, to the tune of “God so loved the world.” In this moment, he becomes a shepherd. Caring is just what he does. Compassion is his way of being int he world.
Caring is just what we do around here, too. Compassion is the rule. There is a bond between us. We listen first. And in the end, we do the best we can to turn compassion into action.