What about Joseph?

What about Joseph?

Matthew 1:18-25

What do you do when something unexpected happens?  Of course, there is a whole category of surprising experiences in life—pleasant surprises, funny moments, delicious ironies—that we welcome.  We laugh.  We smile.  We think to ourselves, “Boy, life is really good!”  Sadly, though, those are not the suprises that I’m talking about his morning.  No, I’m talking about suprising challenges that come our way:  a driver who does something unexpected and, suddenly, we’re exchanging insurance information; a person we thought we really knew—someone we really trusted—until they do something completely out of character and leave us feeling betrayed; the doctor who calls back to tell us that the routine procedure that we just had has generated some not-so-routine results.  We’re caught flat-footed.  What do we do now?

Two weeks ago, I suggested to you that human beings have some hard wired instincts.  In ancient days, those of us who survived did so by being able to recognize when their survival was challenged.  Our ancestors did what they needed to do to survive, to overcome the challenges.  However, the truth was that life for those ancient ancestors was much more harsh than our lives.  So, faced with not enough food and questionable shelter, with no thermostat to adjust for comfort or lights to chase the night away, people lived pretty self-centered, tribal, survivalist lives.

The problem, I suggested, was that though our lives have become much less of a “life and death” challenge, we often still live as if they are.  So, a challenge at work feels like a life or death issue and kicks in our very archaic “life and death” responses unless we choose otherwise.  Our stress levels shoot through the roof—which, if we needed to run for our lives from a predator, would be awesome.  Instead, what we need to do is drive home from work.  It’s no surprise that a certain percentage of folks will hit the door at home and be less than their best selves.  It’s no surprise when a smaller percentage of folks get into some road rage incident on the way.  Nowadays, apparently, a few people decide to shoot someone on the way home, too.  We’re all stressed out and keyed up and there’s no place for that energy to go.

Human beings for the most part respond to a traumatic situation in three ways:  fight, flight, or freeze.  We talk about fight and flight all the time.  Instinctively, in some threatening situations, we stand our ground.  We go “toe-to-toe” and “nose-to-nose” with what is threatening us, which is a problem 99 percent of the time because what we are facing is not a physical threat.  Our “fight” behaviors can quickly escalate things, though.  In other situations, we instinctively know that the way to survive is to run.  If your response when your spouse says, “We need to talk…” is to run, that’s a problem. What gets less “press” is the “freeze” response.  Think of the possum that plays dead. I think of the advice I was given when I ran into a moose during mating season, “Just stand very still…”.  “Really…you try standing still!”  We’ve all “checked out” when we were overwhelmed:  “I am so not here.”

In the rare case that we might actually need a survival strategy, these options are both tried and true.  However, as a way to live that leads to a liveable future, they’re not great choices.  We all probably have tendencies toward one of the three that we can identify.  We’re probably very familiar the costs of those tendencies because people keep pointing out those costs to us. That’s the thing, we all know that there has to be a better way.

Thankfully, there is.  Part of what we have to do is buy time when something novel and hard happens.  We need to learn how to point out to ourselves that this is not a life or death matter, that there is a real question about what to do but I need to take my time.  I may need to go for a walk or excuse myself to use the restroom or do whatever else it takes to create some room to breathe.  I need to de-escalate things.  Then, I need to start asking questions.  “What’s really going on here? What is it that I’m so afraid of?  Here is my reflexive choice but what other choices do I have?” Sometimes, if I can buy time, I can seek out someone else’s counsel and advice.  I can see choices I would have missed.  I can actually work the challenge through and put it behind me.  That’s the goal:  to face something hard, not reflexively but reflectively; to come out on the other side of the challenge whole.  “I would rather be myself than lose myself.”

This is how I want us to think about Joseph this morning and Mary in two weeks.  These two absolutely ordinary people are doing something ordinary—living their daily lives and getting ready to get married.  All of this is happening in a very specific cultural context and at a very specific time.  (We’ll talk more about that in a minute.) From where we stand, because we’re pretty sure we know the rest of the story, we think that they are about to get some great news.  That, however, is not their experience, not at first, anyway.  

Here’s the bottom line.  They are engaged to be married but they have not slept together, yet.  One day, Mary realizes that she is pregnant. Uh oh! We’ll spend more time on this in two weeks.  For today, let’s focus on Joseph.  Mary shares this news with Joseph.  This news was totally unexpected and was not good news—not in the world in which they lived.  

Joseph and Mary’s world was dominated by men, men who loved to see women as the root of temptation and and as the source of most evils. Joseph knew that he was not the father of this child.  If he was going to just do what he was expected to do, if he was satisfied with doing what any other self-respecting man in his day would do, he would have immediately broken off his engagement to Mary in as public of a way as possible, to put the shame on her and not on him, to preserve his reputation as an upstanding man.  No one in his world would have blamed him for one second.

The second thing he probably would have been expected to do was file charges against her for her infidelity.  He could have made the case that Mary should be stoned to death for this transgression.  Again, no one would have blamed him.  In fact, almost any self-respecting man in Joseph’s day would have been happy to throw the first stone.  The proper response to such immorality in that world’s eyes was vengeance, both for Joseph and for society.

Joseph could have chosen to do what anyone else would do and felt completely justified and slept well that night…but that is not what he chooses to do.  Somehow, he bought time to think about things. Somehow, he didn’t jump to hard and fast conclusions.  Somehow, he stayed open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there was something he did not yet know or understand about what was really happening.

Again, if you’re really honest with yourself, you know how hard it is to feel challenged, to feel blindsided, to feel like everything is up for grabs all of a sudden and yet, still stand your ground.  You don’t blindly, reflexively react.  You don’t soothe your discomfort by doing something immedately.  You don’t reassure yourself that, “Hey, I’m only doing what anyone else would do…” Instead, you pour every ounce of energy you have into not losing your mind.  You just stand and breathe—breathe in, breathe out.  You turn the tide of adrenalin that is rushing through your veins.

To his everlasting credit, Joseph does this.  We’re told that he is a “righteous” man.  Amazingly,  it turns out that Joseph is not a “self-righeous” man.  Instead, he is a human being who retains his humanity even when his world is coming apart at the seams.  He is faithful enough to realize that what is needed in that moment is not judgment but a little grace.  

Here’s what he decides at this point.  He’s going to call off the wedding plans with Mary and leave her…but he’s going to do it quietly.  There will be no humiliation.  There will be no charges filed.  No stones will be thrown.  And even though that still is less than what we may want from Joseph, (“Dude, how about you just stand by her…) this is a big deal. He’s bucking the world around him.  He’s moving off script.  He’s choosing to be kind and gracious.  All of this is a real achievement in a society which says to men like Joseph, “Not only can you be mean, we think it is your duty to be mean!”  He said, “No” to that.  Let’s honor this man for this step.

The truth, though, is that by not reacting reflexively, our hope, as faithful people, is not only that we will buy time to think things through but maybe even create room for God to be present.  It’s such a key question:  “Where is God in the middle of this challenge?”  We ask this question not to blame God but as an expression of faith that God is in here somewhere, calling us toward a solution.  “Maybe if I keep my eyes and my heart open, I’ll actually have the chance to work with God toward that end.”

The “something more” of God’s presence and the glimpses of God at work come in all sorts of forms.  God’s presence may be felt in the willingness of a wise friend to listen to us and stand beside us.  God’s presence may be felt in small signs that catch our eye and help us to see a bigger picture.  God’s presence may be felt in the sudden insights—I like to call them “epiphanies”—that pop In mind and we’re pretty sure that they didn’t come from us.  God can even become present in a dream.

Not all dreams are sacred and powerful.  Some are just our minds “emptying the trash.”  However, there are dreams (I’ve had them…I bet you have, too) that are of an entirely different origin.  In fact, in the Bible, there is a long tradition of God’s message being delivered through dreams to people who were willing to listen to dreams.  Interestingly, as we consider Joseph today, an ancient audience would have immedaitely been thinking about Joseph in the Hebrew Scriptures, one of the founders of Israel, who was a dreamer.  Our Joseph, in the tradition of that ancient Joseph, has a dream of his own.  

Here’s what the dream conveys:  “I know you’re not the father.  God is.  You’re going to be this child’s father and Mary’s husband.  You’re going to raise this child.  He’s going to do great things.  In fact, he’s going to be the people’s savior.  I know that’s a lot to take in, Joseph, but here’s the bottom line:  “Do not be afraid.”

That’s the key, right?  If you want to be more human and less animal, you have to learn how to not live in fear.  You’re not alone.  This is not survival time.  Joseph is offered faith as the basis for not living in fear.  Yes, this world is complicated. Yes, unexpected, hard things happen.  Here’s the deal, though:  we’re in this together and there’s more than meets the eye.  We’ve got this.

That’s why, in my mind, Joseph wakes up and runs to Mary.  He looks her in the eye and says, “Mary, do not be afraid.  God is with us.  In fact, our son’s nickname will be “God is with us,” Emmanuel.  I don’t understand it but I trust it and you can trust me.”